Sleepless in Yucaipa

My neighbor Frederick and I share more than just a back fence. Both of us are free with advice to each other, and I have to admit that my advice is usually better. However, every once in a while he comes up with something worth passing on to my readers.

It all started last week when he was relating to me how he and his wife were in the habit of clipping interesting articles from the Daily Planet and taping them on their shared bathroom mirror.

He told me that with the best of intention, he happened to post this jewel from ‘Dear Abby” or someone, which ended with “Most wives don’t look like Sharon Stone, so make the best of what you have . . . flirt with him like you suspect his secretary does . . . he’ll love it! -- Happy in Little Rock.”

Frederick said nothing happen for days and then one morning he found a clipping taped on the mirror that read: “My husband raises the dead with his snoring. I’ve read that heavy snorers can endanger their health. Will anything stop this constant sleep noise? -- Separate Rooms in Tulsa.”

I knew Frederick needed help, so I could hardly wait to tell him about this doctor I saw on Oprah that dealt with this very problem. The doctor pointed out that there are generally no ill effects from snoring. Unless you are suffering from sleep apnea, a condition in which sleepers can stop breathing for as long as two minutes.

Indirect effects are another matter said the doctor. He cited this guy who came home late from a Moose Lodge meeting. he was slightly intoxicated and managed to get undressed and into bed without waking his wife. Later his snoring woke her up, she smelled booze on his breath and hit him with a flower pot. The doctor said this was one example of indirect effect.

The doctor went on to say that more than 400 anti-snoring devices have been patented -- everything from gags to nose straps. Hypnotism, acupuncture and magic spells have been tried. He said the Japanese have perfected the most successful surgery -- its called Uvulopalaopasty, and its very expensive. But, the doctors said, if you can’t afford the surgery there is hope because everyone snores, actors, politicians, the rich and the poor. Some of the more famous snorers are Winston Churchill and Jessie Jackson.

Two days later I asked Frederick if any of my information helped his cause. He told me that he pointed out to his wife that he was in a good crowd of snorers. Even Former President Bill Clinton snored and Hillary never made him sleep in the Oval Office. She commended back to him that Hillary had to handle her own problems.

Later Frederick said they went to bed, his wife fell asleep immediately and he finally dozed off trying not to snore. The next morning she was gone, her blanket was gone, and he was nearly frozen. He later found a note taped on his side of the mirror that said. “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.”