The author of this blog does not hold astrology to be an exact science, but my next door neighbor Frederick does. Therefore to cover all bets, we publish the following horoscope that Frederick annually compiles. We offer no guarantees and most certainly we are not responsible for any idiot who takes his advice seriously. His main source of information seems to have been: 1. His mother-in-law; 2. Flipping a coin; 3. His personal library consisting of back issues of Playboy Magazine, with many notations in the margins such as ‘wow’ -- ‘well written!’ and ‘I didn’t know that.’ So with apologies to all, here it is:
AQUARIUS--Waterman, Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Lucky day Thursday--Unlucky day, any day that ends in day. Lucky number 70. Persons born under this sign are restless, indolent, economical, pleasing and agreeable. Greatest fault is they are perfect.
PISCES--Fishs, Feb. 19 to March 20
Lucky day Monday before noon--Unlucky day Monday afternoon. Lucky number 18. Person born under this sign are natural lovers, fickle, fruitful, easily led, honest, sensitive. Greatest fault is they are always behind in alimony payments.
ARIES--Ram, March 21 to April 20
Lucky day Thursday--Unlucky day Monday. Lucky number 0. Persons born under this sign are noted for their energy, push and executive ability. They are obstinate and independent. Greatest fault is they don’t make good mother-in-laws.
TAURUS--Bull, April 20 to May 21
No lucky day or number for this bunch. They should stay in bed all day. Persons born under this sign are fearless, kind, gentle, strong of mind and body. Greatest fault is not having a lucky day.
GEMINI--Twins, May 21 to June 21
Lucky day Friday--Unlucky day Sunday. Lucky number 2. Persons born under this sign usually have dual personalities. They are skilled at negotiations and crafty. Greatest fault is they make good politicians.
CANCER--Crab, June 21 to July 23
Lucky day Friday between 3 and 4 p.m. Unlucky day Monday. Lucky number 83. Persons born under this sign are endowed with strong determination, intuition and purpose. Greatest fault is they nag their husbands about taking out the trash.
LEO--Lion, July 23 to August 23
Lucky day Sunday. Unlucky day Tues., Lucky number 5. Persons born under this sign are faithful, courteous, brave and enthusiastic. Greatest fault is they keep bugging their neighbors to publish junk like this in his blog.
VIRGO--Virgin, August 23 to September 23
Lucky day Saturday night. Unlucky day Sunday. Lucky number 85. Persons born under this sign are systematic, loyal and generous. Greatest fault is they can’t say no.
LIBRA--Balance, Sept. 23 to Oct. 23
Lucky day Friday. Unlucky day Sat. Lucky number 63. Persons born under this sign are well-balanced, handsome, graceful, tasteful and make good newspaper columnist. Greatest fault is they are faultless.
SCORPIO--Scorpion, Oct. 23 to Nov. 22
Lucky day Tuesday, Unlucky day Monday. Lucky number .005. Persons born under this sign are self-controlled, courageous, polite and courteous. Greatest fault is they won’t keep the door shut and let in many flies in.
SAGITTARIUS--Archer,Nov. 22 to Dec. 22
Every day is lucky, expect Christmas Day. Lucky number is 3. Persons born under this sign are impulsive, honest, quick and fond of sports. Greatest fault is they never get birthday presents because they were born to close to Christmas Day.
CAPRICORN--Goat. Dec. 22 to Jan. 20
Lucky day is Friday the 13. Lucky number is 1040. Persons born under this sign are economical, careful, secretive, resourseful and usually make good IRS Agents. Greatest fault is they usually are IRS Agents.