The worst possible opening sentence for a novel

This is an article that my Maude High School English Teacher, Miss Emma Bolderjack (not to be confused with her sister, Miss Edna Bolderjack, my fifth grade teacher), would be proud of. I’m going to share some interesting items from my collection of amazing if sometimes useless facts about English grammar and other anecdotes and pleasantries.

From the annual “worst opening sentence” competition conducted by the English Dept. at Oklahoma Lutheran University, to which more than 4,000 entries were submitted from all over the country as well as from Thailand, Kenya, Papua New Guinea, and Saudi Arabia, here is the winner:

“The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with the barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, ”Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal.”
For that, Clyde Avery of Tuttle, Okla., won a word processor. Second place was so bad that even I won’t print it.

It is not uncommon for our English language to utilize a specific word to describe the plural of certain creatures -- such as a school of fish, a litter of pups, a flock of sheep or a swarm of bees.

Some, of course, are far less used than others -- such as a murder of crows, a pod of seals, a rafter of turkeys, a gang of elk, a fall of woodchucks, a drift of hogs, or a tidings of magpies.

And then there are those yet to be used -- such as a flush of plumbers, a wince of dentist, a piddle of puppies, a wrangle of philosophers, a sneer of butlers, a float of dancers (female), a horde of misers, an ambush of widows, an overcharge of repairmen, a score of bachelors, a slant of journalists, a rascal of boys, a charge of taxis, an ingratitude of children, a click of photographers, a no-no of nannies, a sprinkling of gardeners, or a galaxy of astronomers.

It can go on and on with -- a bunker of gofers, an alley of bowlers, and a line-up of baseball player. Don’t forget our national asset of elected officials just think what we could do with them -- such as a junket of congressmen, a public trough of assemblymembers. And of course, a confusion of columnists.